mental health status: need to isolate myself in solitude away from my online chinese students, read books and stay quiet for a couple of days.
hot showers and meditation podcasts just before sleeping on desolate July nights help replenish your wearies and emptiness
life hack # 1
spent the entire two hours scrolling on tumblr and following newly discovered blogs. and i am not even sorry about it.
There are days when I can paint a smile even without the thought of you. Flowers start to grow in the darkest parts of my mind even the word happiness means nothing without you. But when I hear a certain song and smell a familiar scent, I suddenly remember how we held hands that Friday afternoon and just tracing the lines in your calloused hands makes me feel like going back to my own home. Seeing you from afar of that convenience store which we used to wait for each other equates to a feeling of certain comfort which no one knows about because only you can make me feel that way. I remember the time we met at that small cafeteria, seeing each other for the first time and we knew right away that we will create an incomparable love story. But our story finished a little too early, it never ended romantically. There’s nothing poetic about how our story crushed my beliefs in happily-ever-afters and forget-me-not love affairs. It made me feel homesick because I built a home out of shaky foundations. I can’t make a home out of someone who has two eyes and a heartbeat.
It kinda breaks my heart that I’ve got nothing to write about nowadays. Sometimes, it makes me think that maybe loneliness is a better companion rather than an empty heart. With melancholy, I can be able to create a lovely mess out of the chaos contained in my heart.
I will love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes. I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong. I will love you as a battlefield loves young men and as peppermints love your allergies, and I will love you as the banana peel loves the shoe of a man who was just struck by a shingle falling off a house. I will love you as a volunteer fire department loves rushing into burning buildings and as burning buildings love to chase them back out, and as a parachute loves to leave a blimp and as a blimp operator loves to chase after it.
Lemony Snicket, “The Beatrice Letters”
day 2- 3:49 pm – moving on
I only slept for around four hours last night. I was awake for five hours just staring at the ceiling and was just enduring all the weariness I was feeling. I couldn’t contain the weight of missing you. My sleep has been interrupted with the melancholy and anxiety I was feeling which awoke me around four in the morning. It was a dreadful moment to hear silence at the corners of my room and to see my phone without any message from you. It rained heavily which matched my gloomy mood. I am drowning my thoughts and sorrow with work, pretending to my Chinese students that I am wearing a wide smile when my heart is breaking. It is a way for me to somehow ease the loneliness which you have caused. But somehow, I was already able to sleep on my bed without the feeling of too much sorrow and even dozed off with the lights closed last night. I believe that sleeping on my bed where we had our intimate chitchats before which made me feel so elated was already a huge achievement. I know this agony won’t be too long, I know I just need a short time for this pain to heal. Someday, I’ll get there.
Day 1:10:37 pm – moving on
I dragged myself out of bed today. Tears streaming down my face, your voice and laughter resonate in my head. I have tried to distract my mind with novels, baking and tidying things up. But my heart still aches since I miss you so much. It is my rest day but my mind doesn’t seem to get any rest, thoughts of you running through my head. We knew each other from some crappy app, I didn’t intend to be very attached to you but it just happened. Late night talks until ungodly hours of the night, all those heartfelt stories and genuine laughter we have shared just before our slumber. I never thought that eight months of talking could make me build a house out of you. Talking to you made flowers grow in the corners of my mind. You suddenly decided to stop talking to me to avoid further hurts and to just brush everything off before it gets worst. But oh God, how can I sleep every goddamn night when I already found a comfortable spot in your entirety? How can I put my mind at peace when your voice was my only lullaby? Oh dear, please I wasn’t prepared for this predicament.
BEAUTIFUL PERSON AWARD! Once you are given this award, you're supposed to paste it in the ask of 8 people who deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it's sweet to know someone thinks you're beautiful inside and out. ✨
Miss you!🧡